My cousin was taken from me about two years ago and I haven't really kept it a secret because my outlet is writing and if you are on any of my social sites you have seen me go through my ups and downs with my pain. Considering on my blog I have more strangers then people I know I don't spill out too much. Which is funny because I have revealed so much about myself on here.
Anyways with the help of a few people in my life, I have come to a realization of my sadness. Of course I have the right to be sad and struggling with emotion because he was taken. But there has been something even more troubling within me going on. I felt alone. Surrounded with people telling me they love me and telling me why it was hard to avoid. Which was the right move on their part because I am so open to love that hearing that and their reasons why snapped me out of it. I made people fear that I couldn't be trusted alone because taking my life might end up an option. But I would never be so selfish like that. I live for myself but I know how much others love me especially my mother. Moving on....
Why am I writing this gushy-mushy stuff? Well right now I feel fear. Fear to lose someone. To lose a friend and they may not know how much I care about them and love them. A family member that I haven't talked to but think about so much. I think about my cousins, aunts and uncles so much but they wouldn't know that because I'm mostly estranged with them. It would hurt me so much that they didn't know that even though we don't get along and things done I still love them. And Zachary... What can I say? I love him so much that the bridge being created to create distance, time and clarity is already killing me. The thought of missing something going on in his life or him missing something in my life hurts beyond what my mind, body and soul can comprehend. The thought of Lord forbid something happening to one of us and the other left with regrets. Sigh and this is where my FEAR comes in...
I fear losing the people I love like I lost my cousin, suddenly. Blink of an eye and gone. No words of goodbye and no warning.
I don't want to lose anyone like I lost my cousin. Its a different pain when someone is taken from you. And you end up feeling alone even though that is not true at all. A lot of people need to realize its time to grow up and live life as the best as you can. Enjoy what you have and who you have. Get over your own fears and face them with confidence that with the person you want to be, is the person you are growing up to be. Trust me. I tell myself who I want to be everyday and I slowly transform to that person. Its not easy and its not hard.
Anyways with the help of a few people in my life, I have come to a realization of my sadness. Of course I have the right to be sad and struggling with emotion because he was taken. But there has been something even more troubling within me going on. I felt alone. Surrounded with people telling me they love me and telling me why it was hard to avoid. Which was the right move on their part because I am so open to love that hearing that and their reasons why snapped me out of it. I made people fear that I couldn't be trusted alone because taking my life might end up an option. But I would never be so selfish like that. I live for myself but I know how much others love me especially my mother. Moving on....
I fear losing the people I love like I lost my cousin, suddenly. Blink of an eye and gone. No words of goodbye and no warning.
I don't want to lose anyone like I lost my cousin. Its a different pain when someone is taken from you. And you end up feeling alone even though that is not true at all. A lot of people need to realize its time to grow up and live life as the best as you can. Enjoy what you have and who you have. Get over your own fears and face them with confidence that with the person you want to be, is the person you are growing up to be. Trust me. I tell myself who I want to be everyday and I slowly transform to that person. Its not easy and its not hard.
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